I often work with individual coaching clients and teams around setting and respecting personal boundaries and we start with understanding what boundaries are and their role in building and maintaining healthy working and personal relationships.
First and foremost, boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves so that we can avoid feelings of frustration, disappointment, resentfulness and anger building up when our boundaries have been pushed or crossed. Boundaries take many different forms – some people have very rigid boundaries while others boundaries are so fluid they seem almost non-existent, that is of course, until you smash into one!
Boundaries help others understand the behaviour that you are willing to accept from other people. The flip side of that is that boundaries also establish what behaviours others can expect from you. Most of us have a mix of boundaries depending on the situation – at work or at home, with colleagues or friends and family. Some of these boundaries may be influenced by cultural norms.
Setting boundaries allows us to separate our own feelings, thoughts, lived experience and memories from others and we rely on our individual internal “alarm” to decipher when emotional and psychological boundaries have been breached. They give us autonomy, keeping us safe in relationships at work and at home. Without them, others can – and will – treat you any way they like which contributes to your exhaustion from dealing with their behaviours.
Let’s look at some different types of boundaries that you will need to keep in mind as you establish your own:
- Physical – your personal space, privacy, and your body. You may be cool with hugs, hand holding and kissing in public, or you may prefer not to be touched in public. Or something in between.
- Emotional – individual feelings. You might share your feelings about everything quickly and openly in many different situations or you may prefer to share gradually, over time as you become more comfortable and trust others.
- Financial – its all about the money! You might be a saver who is unwilling to lend money to friends or family who spend their money madly.
- Sexual – your expectations concerning intimacy and what comments, touches and sexual behaviour you are comfortable with.
- Intellectual – your thoughts and beliefs. You might believe that your views and beliefs are the “right” ones and not be willing to engage with anyone who has different beliefs or you may be willing to listen curiously to another person’s ideas and opinions as a way of adding to your own.
Remind yourself of this…….Boundaries are about you. They are yours to share and to action. They are not requests and are always under your control. For example – “Don’t talk to me that way” is a request not a boundary.
Believing and saying “I don’t remain in conversations with people that talk to me that way” is a boundary. It empowers you. How awesome is that?
Look out for my next blog when I will share with you strategies for setting up and maintaining great boundaries. In the meantime reflect on where you believe your existing boundaries might be. Think about whether you might need to change some of these by focusing in on your thoughts and feelings in different situations. Where you are uncomfortable may be a great indicator for you.