Do you remember how annoying it is to get kids to follow instructions? You know……..all you want is for them to do something for you, right now, and you have to ask them over and over and over again.
It’s really annoying hey? Why can’t they just follow that one simple direction? You are not asking them to do anything complicated – it’s simple stuff like walking the dog or taking the rubbish out or turning off the light. Why then, do you end of saying the same thing ten times, with your blood pressure and your voice rising higher each time?
What’s going on here? What can we learn from this situation and……..are these learnings transferable into the workplace?
Let’s take a look at that together.
There are many reasons that sit underneath the refusal to hear an instruction or request and/or the refusal to follow through as requested or directed. Reasons like:
- Power struggle – longer they can hold you off the more powerful they feel; the more frustrated or angry you become the more they feel they can control your emotions – and we already know that power is very addictive
- This is normal behaviour for them – they are interested in their own things and want to keep doing that rather than stopping and doing something for you
- This is normal behaviour for humans – we all want to keep doing the things we enjoy and put off the things we don’t want to do
- You [and others] have trained them to consider the first few requests as a “warm up” and that no-one means it, really, until request four or five
Reflection Question:
If you’re in the habit of saying something 4 or 5 times before your child [team member/partner] does as you’ve asked, why should they do it the first time you ask?
What can you do to change this dynamic – at home or at work?
I am sure you agree that it would be much easier all round if things were done the first time you asked, and you can turn things around – with deliberate action and a sense of humour.
Consider these actions:
- Have a short direct conversation with your child about the problem – let them know what you are noticing that it is not going to work anymore and what will happen moving forward. Eg “I notice that I often tell you 4 or 5 times to do something before you actually do it. This behaviour is not going to work anymore. From now on, I will tell you/ask you once and if you don’t do as asked by the time I give you, there will be a consequence. Short. Direct.
- Know what the consequence will be in advance – no spur of the moment, full of emotion grounding for 3 weeks! Instead, be clear about what they can expect to gain for completing the assigned task and what they will lose if they don’t comply.
- Provide a time frame which gives opportunity for change of mindset – pre-frame your request by providing clear request, including timeline and remind about consequence. Instead of “Do this right now!” try “The dog needs to be walked before 4 o’clock which means that you have 30 minutes to get it done. Remember when this happens by 4pm, you get to watch TV for an hour. If it’s not, you don’t. [This is vital because you are connecting consequences to the behaviour you want to improve] This statement also works if you are trying to ask your child to stop doing something. Instead of asking for TV to be turned off 20 times change your statement to “You have 20 more minutes of TV time. Then it’s going off.” Short. Direct.
- For a short time: give ONE reminder – Remind yourself that you are looking to support your child to learn a new behaviour and coaching will increase your chances of success. Coaching is different from repeating the request/directive over and over. Use it when you notice that they are running out of time eg “You have about 5 minutes to get the dog walked. I know you want your TV time so be sure it gets done. Then step away and allow the situation to play out.
- Failure brings lessons for you both – because past training was that you will repeat your instructions many times, your child expects this is going to continue so they will test you. When they don’t meet the deadline be clear, calm and direct “You didn’t walk by dog by 4pm, so you have lost access to TV tonight. You will get another chance tomorrow afternoon. When you do as asked in the time given, you’ll get access to TV.”
Failure will happen simply because you are changing behaviours, and this takes time and work. It is only through repeated, deliberate practice that both of you will understand things have changed. Be focused and clear. Set your child up for success rather than failure.
Reflection:
- Consequences are a result of a behavior, whether positive or negative. There are also natural consequences from decisions we make such as getting cold when we are outside without a jacket or our shoes getting wet when they are left outside overnight.
- On the other hand, punishment is a behavior that inflicts emotional or physical pain on a child. It is used as a means of coercion to get your child to behave well or to do what you want. It may appear to work in the short term however it may also cause a break down in your relationship.
Leadership has a role to play in parenting which is really the most important role on the planet. Both roles utilise similar skills, learning from and contributing to each other. As a Leader and as a Parent and as both, I know there is pure gold here for you – actions that you can implement immediately, and which will make a difference to how you manage interaction with others, particularly when you are making a request or a directive.
I help people managers develop their leadership and communication skills. There are many different ways that you can work with me including my Deliberate Re-Set program, one on one coaching packages and team coaching. Drop me a note [[email protected]] if you would like more information or follow me on Facebook www.facebook.com/bethberghan Talk soon. xx