Recently, in a session with a coaching client, we explored the topic of “Being Right All The Time” which I wrote about earlier in an earlier blog. We specifically explored the challenges of being in a long-term relationship or marriage and feeling that something has gone or is going wrong. After acknowledging that it is very normal to have some gaps in intimacy and communication along the way in any relationship, we looked at what happens when the client freaks out that whatever is going wrong is going to get a whole lot worse. They delve around in the issue, giving it lots of energy and convincing themselves that this is going to take ages to sort out.
In short they convince themselves (hint….being right all the time) that their relationship is on the skids and, as a result, see their partner as being “wrong” or “not enough” all the time. Another hint….What we focus on grows.
The natural step from here was for the client to reflect and recognise that making their partner wrong all the time [especially in the clients own mind] was actually impacting their relationship in a negative way. And in a very similar way to them forcing the issue of being right all the time. In fact, like a doppelganger of each other!
I asked for permission to share with you all the actions we worked out to overcome the gap my client has been feeling and here they are:
- Remind yourself why you were attracted to them in the first place
- Take a look at your partner with fresh eyes to begin building a fresh attraction
- Passion starts in my brain and I can fuel this with the way I view my partner
- Physical, romantic touch can and will build intimacy – without always leading to sex
- Competition is a passion killer so cut it out of your communication and actions
- Someone who is wrong all the time is not sexy at all so stop criticising your partner because it makes them less attractive to you
- Learn to disagree without anyone being wrong – when you insist on being right and winning the fight you are making the other person wrong and wrong people are not attractive at all……
- Ask questions, be curious about your partner rather than jumping to a conclusion that creates conflict and confusion – being open minded contributes to a feeling of closeness and intimacy
- Proactively look for new ways to understand your partner – choose to be curious rather than judgemental
- Watch that TV show they regularly watch to understand what they love about it
- Listen to your tone of voice and the words that you are using when you speak to your partner – make them loving and positive
- Touch, respect, admiration, appreciation – all simple and effective tools to use
- Thank you, said regularly with authenticity and feeling is very important
Of course, many of the actions we identified are readily transferrable into wider areas of your life especially when you manage and lead others……a conversation for another day.